Eutychus Discovers "Old Time Religion"

In his on-going quest to find a church home, Eutychus stopped in one bright, sunny Sunday morning at a church whose sign said, "Bubba Baptist Church - Where Old Time Religion is always Up-to-Date." This looked very promising to Eutychus because he was from the first century, and one could not get more "Old Time Religion" than that!

So, Eutychus approached the door where a nice gentleman handed him a bulletin and said, "Y'aint from around here, are ya?" Eutychus rather timidly admitted that he was indeed "not from around here", so the fellow looked him over thoroughly and said, "Well, ya might as well stay since yer here; it might do ya some good." Eutychus slid into a seat mid-way down the aisle hoping that no one would notice he was new. He was beginning to think he might have made a mistake in coming to church here, but he decided to stick it out. A little old lady came swooning up to Eutychus and said, "Young man, Do I know ya?" Eutychus dropped his head quietly murmuring , "I don't think so." She continued, "Ya look sorta like Mr. Bagwag's grandson who is in prison; yer not his brother, are ya?" "No", said Eutychus, somewhat embarrassingly. The song leader got up and said, "We're glad ya'll are here. I do surprisingly see a visitor. Well, that's good 'cuz the preacher has got him a sidewinder sermon today. Now, let's all sing our church song, 'Gimme that Ole Time Religion.' If you forgit the words, then I'll remind ya. Verse one is 'It was good for pa and ma', verse two is 'It was good for great uncle Roebedoe,' and the final verse is 'It was good for the ones who started this church in the early days of this county' - (that there is my favorite verse)." At this point Eutychus was wondering how old was "old?" It seemed to him that old surely meant before the founding of this county. The song leader never said a word about the early church fathers or the Apostle's Creed; now that would have been "old."

After the singing the preacher started to wail out his sermon, which was entitled, "Don't Ever Change Nothin, Cuz We Don't Want It Changed - Got That?" The preacher, filled with vigor and vim, regaled against modernism and what he called "new fangled thinkin." Why to hear him, you'd think the whole problem of the world was found in improvements. Coming to the climax of this stirring address, he made his final and clearest point - "We want to keep thangs as they is, just like they used to be in those great days of the early church" (Eutychus got excited, because he knew the early church well). The preached continued with passion, "And we all know when them days wuz - betwixt 1932-1957. Everything started to go to pot when old man Fedaro put in that there new restaurant in this here town. New folks started comin, and doggone it if thangs have been hankerin for destruction since."

Well, Eutychus was unsure what opening a restaurant had to do with the decline of the church and the community, but he felt he was probably not welcome here. He was hoping that the end of the service would come quickly. And it did, followed immediately by a sharp rap on Eutychus' shoulder. He turned around to find himself staring into the militant eyes of a older lady with a stern look on her face. Suddenly she said, "Young man, when yer comin in here again make sure that you don't sit in Mrs. Dootletootle's seat. She has been sittin in that seat for last forty years, and doggone it you haven't upset her somethin terrible." Feeling the scolding eyes of the congregation on him, Eutychus hustled out the front door, and as he did he read the message on the church sign, "Visitors Always Welcome."