Thursday, February 11, 2010

Curious Eutychus Attends a Global Warming Conference

As we pick up with our time-traveling hero, curious Eutychus, we discover that Eutychus has been invited by a consortium of environmental groups to attend a Global Warming Conference in Chicago. Eutychus is very curious about this because, other than being plopped down in St. Louis by some time warp, he has never been outside of Judea, and he isn't real sure what a "global" anything is. And he wasn't sure what a "warming" meant. He did remember the hot days he had spent in the summertime in the Judean wilderness. That was pretty warm. Once he tried to cross the Judean wilderness in the middle of July, a decision he soon learned to regret.

Eutychus was sitting in the St. Louis Lambert Airport waiting for something called a "flight" to take him to Chicago. A very serious looking gentleman sat beside him and began reviewing what looked like some very important notes. Curious Eutychus is...well...curious! So, he asks the man what he was doing. The scholarly looking gentleman turned his head toward Eutychus much like a turtle turning his head to survey a leaf of lettuce, and looking over his spectacles he said he was too busy to be disturbed by a commoner like Eutychus. Eutychus couldn't contain himself. He asked why the man was so busy. The man sighed loudly with what seemed to be exasperation and said, "I am Dr. Arrogantstein with the department of Socialististic Intervening Citizens Krafting Interpolate Deterministic Incremental Opportunities involving Total Subterfuge or SICK IDIOTS for short." He laid down his pen and papers as if to suggest that he would have to condescend to explain to this fruitcake about the obvious realities of the world. Dr. Arrogantsten explained, "I am part of a very elite group of world class scientists studying the undeniable and tragic effects of the extraordinary trend of global warming." Dr. Arrogantstein didactically said as if in a classroom, "You see, we have developed computer models that demonstrate beyond all logical doubt that the environment is being rapidly decimated by a right wing conspiracy to destroy all semblance of humanity and install a republican as King of the World." Eutychus got excited because he had just read a report in the newspaper about the very group in which Dr. Arrogantstein was a member. Eutychus, wanting to sound academic and well-read said, "Ah yes, I just read about your group in the paper. The report said that the data and the reports related to the computer models you have developed relating to global warming are fraudulent and lack the integrity of sound science. The report stated that your group had "stacked the deck" by manipulating the data to bring about the consequence you desire. Is that true?" "Well," replied Dr. Arrogantstein (looking like a boy who was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar), "I suppose we did stretch the research a bit, but it was all for a good cause. You can't just trust the average citizen to make the right decisions, you know. We have to "force", er...I mean "encourage" the population to make the right decision." "But," inquired Eutychus, "Aren't right scientific decisions and deductions made on the basis of solid science and proper interpretation of that science, and shouldn't the entire process be conducted with integrity without prejudice or bias?" Dr. Arrogantstein was a bit miffed with this obviously dense midwesterner who demonstrated a total lack of understanding of reality. He asked Eutychus quite abruptly, "Did you go to Harvard? Are you a card-carrying liberal? Have you ever been to Manhattan? Are you part of the elite who will overrule the common, hard-headed men or women?" Eutychus did not know what Dr. Arrogantstein meant, but he sensed he was supposed to say, "No." So, he did so. Dr. Arrogantstein smiled as if to placate an innocent ignoramus and said, "Son, you best leave the real issues to those of us who are smart enough to deal with them. Trust me, we are in a dangerous global warming trend that could change the entire meteorological climate overnight. I just hope we can make great paradigmatic changes before it is too late."

Eutychus looked up to the television screen to notice that their flight to take them to Chicago to the Global Warming Conference had just been cancelled for snow.

1 comment:

  1. I like it when Global Warming takes the form of cold, fluffy, white stuff!